Ranticular

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What You Say?!

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I love bad films. They are probably one of my favourite guilty pleasures. Be it bad acting, inane plots, insane progressions or just plain absence of talent, bad films have a pile all their own in my DVD collection that has grown disturbingly large over my life-time.

Yet of all the things to find amusing or enjoyable about bad films, weak dialogue has to be up there as one of the greatest. Whether it causes you to moan, giggle or face-plam yourself, there’s no escaping the awesome power of poorly written and delivered scripts. Ask anyone their favourite good line of dialogue from cinema and it will probably be relatively straight-forward, maybe two or three moments vying for top spot. Ask a lover of bad cinema like me for their favourite bad line of dialogue and we could potentially rant for hours, arguing everything from Troll 2 (Even though Troll 3 : Contamination has far worse acting and delivery in my opinion) and Manos : The Hand Of Fate to big name successes like X-Men or Titanic.

My initial plan was to do a top ten but that would be sadly impossible with far too much selection out there, therefore I’ve decided instead to do a constant (Not weekly mind you) series of Worst Lines Of Dialogue Ever, similar to the Weird, Wacky, WTF World series. As this is the first in the series I’ll try to mix up well & lesser known films and keep the list moving between genre’s as much as I can. If you got any lines you feel NEED to be highlighted let me know and feel free to dispute my calls. Oh and enjoy!

This weeks theme - Unusual dialogue regarding that somewhat awkward topic, sex

Number 5:  Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1991) - “You don’t want TV, you want coitus!”

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Whips And Chains And Rock & Roll Oh My!

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Yup, the title says it all here as a group of tough biker chicks wind up in in a small town and it just happens to be crawling with the undead. There’s hardly any need for further description or analysis is there? If the poster didn’t already give it away, its hardly Shakespeare. A very dumb but fun film that, like all of the Troma distribution line of films, manages to mix adventure, kitsch horror elements and truly awful puns to great effect. What a glorious mess is the script for Chopper Chicks In Zombieland, especially when its got such gems as “Oh by the way, I’m a dyke. Blow me”. This particular line is literally dropped out of nowhere during a random conversation, fantastic! A great film for fans of the not-at-all-scary but rather funny instead sexplotation horrors. Oh and as a great companion piece to Shaun Of The Dead.

Number 4: House Of The Dead (2003) - “Humpity Bumpity Zelco” Song

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Donate Just €2 And You Could Help End Zombie Conjunctivitis

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“Close the Velcro. Beautiful Velcro. We are gonna do the humpity-bumpity. The humpity-bumpity! One! Two! Three!”. As pre-coitus lines go… wow. The two most annoying character in the whole film (which says a lot) Greg and Cynthia overlook a massacre at a rave so they can sneak off to a tent to have sex. During which Greg attempts to heighten the sexuality of the moment with this romantic ode.

I’ll accept that maybe Greg is a wee (pun intended) bit drunk as immediately following this masterful seduction he stops to go to the bathroom, during which Cynthia gets attacked by zombies. Since zombies eat brains I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume the two characters will be just fine. This is not technically a sex scene but I’ll allow it one grounds of sheer what the fuckery and the fact it  should have been a sex scene had Greg better bladder control. Uwe Boll yet again justifies his reputation as worst director of the current age with House Of The Dead, a film that in itself could fill a list of worst lines ever (Hmmmm…).

Number 3: Gigli (2003) - “It’s Turkey Time… Gobble Gobble!”

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Thats What You Get For Letting Andy Warhol Develop Your Holiday Snaps

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The most unappealing invitation to cunnilingus in the history of cinema? Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were still “Bennifer” when Gigli was filmed, but with the lack of chemistry (and talent) in this movie, about a hitman, the lesbian who falls for him and the mentally disabled boy he takes hostage, cracks were clearly appearing. The sex scene is the zenith of Gigli’s awfulness: it begins with an invitation to “turkey time”, climaxes with a montage of boring intercourse (Affleck looks like he’s wondering did he leave the oven on), and ends with a post-coital cuddle, during which Ben’s character moos gently. Possibly a reference to Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me where the line’s “I’m gone, like a turkey in the corn. Gobble gobble!” come to mind…

Number 2: The Specialist (1994) - “Let Me See That Beautiful Face”

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Stallone Found Sharon Stone’s Ear Most Alluring It Seems

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Proof that writing can be soured by lousy editing and direction as much as by the writers flair for prose. Here we have Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone (alliteration city!) as two assassins who spend half the film flirting down the phone to each other about a mutual hit they are co-ordinating. After finally meting sexy-time occurs almost instantaneously. Except the two characters spend more time molesting their own bodies then each other, although if I had breasts like Sylvester I’d get confused too. Even in the rare moment Sly attempts to express a little interest in his co-star, it backfires thanks to some untimely editing: as the scene begins, Stallone cradles Stone’s head in his hands and mumbles “Let me see that beautiful face,” whereupon director Luis Llosa cuts to a wide shot of the two in profile, with Stallone blatantly staring at Stone’s boobs for a solid five seconds. Don’t worry Sly, yours are still bigger.

I heard of this scene online and ended up downloading it to better judge for myself. I can’t recommend it enough, even knowing what’s coming this is still laugh out loud hilarious. Also of note is the camera-man’s odd fixation on Stallone’s ass-assin if you catch my drift, with the camera giving it far more screen time then Stone’s breasts. Hard to tell the difference maybe? And what could possibly top that?

Number 1: Last Tango In Paris (1972) - “Get The Butter”

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The Horror. The Horror…

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What else could it have been on the top of any list to bad sex on screen other than “Last Tango in Paris”’s truly vile sodomy sequence, in which Marlon Brando’s Paul method-mutters to Maria Schneider’s Jeanne to “get the butter,” only to use it for some uncomfortable looking and quite forced anal sex on the floor while his partner moans her way through a tirade about families? Was a line ever more gruesome when put in context, I mean can you honestly think of a WORSE line in the context given? Didn’t think so. Apparently the scene wasn’t even in the script and was instead demanded by Brando and terrified actress Maria Schneider into only doing one take. Poor woman probably still can’t believe its not butter.

Honourable Mention: The Sex Scene From Hollywood Homicide (2003)

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Taking LSD Before A Firefight Is A Common Way To Pass The Time With The Hollywood P.D

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Yes, its a terrible movie, a truly bizarre buddy-cop comedy that focuses far more on Harrison Ford’s Joe Gavilan trying to sell property then on any degree of crime prevention. While one could blame Josh Hartnett’s lack of acting talent, the absence of chemistry from most of the cast and the obvious resentment Harrison Ford displays for the whole affair, I blame the direction of Ron Shelton, for allowing scenes like this.

Picture the scene, its Harrison Ford, who hasn’t been hot in roughly 20 years, thrusting his hips in an almost broken fashion, wearing sunglasses, on a sofa, with a woman I strongly suspect is asleep. Vile doesn’t begin to cover it. But then, out of nowhere, he raises his head, smiles and starts to eat a doughnut. Eat a doughnut. A doughnut. During sex. Just… Wow. I mean WOW.

Yeah, there’s no line of dialogue and thus little relevance to this list but lets be fair, thats pretty stand-out isn’t it?

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So there you have it, feel free to argue, remind me of any lines I may have missed and offer suggestions for what dialogue categories I should look at. Don’t be offended if I don’t really care however.

Until next time!

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Currently : Listening To A Weird Parade On Bray Main Street, With A Huge Guy Singing “Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, Hey Santa (Oh! Ah!). Bray Is A Silly Place.